Sometimes the Best Lessons Happen Exactly When Everything Seems to Go Wrong
24/10/2025
A voice lesson that turned into a masterclass in Acceptance & Commitment
This blog post is based on a one-to-one online voice lesson with Stella. Her experience contained all the learning about emotional flexibility anyone could need, so I’m sharing it with you – with Stella’s consent.
Whether you’re a beginner, intermediate or advanced singer, there is something here for you. Even highly skilled singers get blocked, freeze up, fight distraction and sometimes feel like running away to hide under the stage. The difference is how you cope.
I’ll also explain a bit of the science behind why these things work, without turning this into a textbook. You’re a singer, not a neuroscientist.
If you’d like to experience this kind of work yourself, book your Free Discovery Call to explore how online voice lessons with me can help you build not just vocal technique, but psychological resilience!
And yes, a sense of humour about things going wrong.
When Monty Python Strikes
The day before her private lesson, Stella had attended a group lesson that didn’t go as planned.
Here’s what happened in her own words:
“Yesterday in the group lesson, I was in a strange environment, a hotel room, not my normal setup. At first, things were going okay, but then, by accident, I touched a small, almost invisible slider on top of the screen of my new smart laptop. It turned off the camera completely. Not just the Zoom video, but the camera itself. I didn’t know how to fix it, and the stress hit immediately.”
She explained that when something unexpected happens, like a technical issue or performance feedback, her brain tends to block. Even simple instructions don’t register.
“It’s like when someone says ‘Look left’, I’ll look right. I can’t think clearly, my brain just shuts down. I wanted to run away and hide somewhere, but I needed to try and carry on without being distracted.”
Stella’s reaction was understandable. Stress, anxiety and disruption activate your sympathetic nervous system. Your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense and your attention narrows. It also reduces access to your prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functions. This is why simple solutions feel blocked.
During the group lesson, several people tried to help her solve the issue, but the stress response had already taken over. Frankly, the whole situation turned into quite the Monty Python-esque sketch. We have the recording to prove it 😉
When we met the next day, she wanted to understand how to deal with that kind of stress better and how not to let it sabotage a lesson or a performance.
Spicy detail: I did not agree with her conviction that it was a bad lesson. On the contrary, I was so proud of her because of how she dealt with the situation. So I explained to her everything she had done.
How to Carry On Without Hiding Under the Piano
When the camera issue happened and Monty Python decided it would not be fixed, we chose not to waste any more energy. I suggested we continue with audio only.
This became the turning point. Despite her initial frustration about the chaos and having to work without video, Stella managed to stay present and functional.
She sang, focused and applied the techniques we had been developing. By the end of the session, she had achieved all the goals she had set for that lesson:
- Full vocal fold closure on the words strange and fade
- No vocal break where she had previously struggled
- A stable, connected tone that sounded effortless
I told her clearly:
“The result was there. You were not disengaged. You had space to continue even though the frustration and distraction were present. Some time ago, you would not have been able to do that.”
This showed that she had internalised and applied several core principles from Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) that we had been practising for some time.
Applying Acceptance and Commitment Training in Real Time
1. Accepting
Fighting the thought – “No, this must not have happened!” often increases stress.
Accepting the reality – “Yes, this happened, let’s carry on” is far more productive.
This kind of psychological flexibility is key in ACT and has been shown to reduce anxiety.
2. Defusion
I reminded Stella that an important step is to notice what’s happening internally. When you say, “I notice that a part of me feels frustrated”, you’re defusing, separating yourself from the emotion. You’re telling your brain that you are not identical to that frustration.
It signals that there are other parts of you, parts that can still sing, focus and learn.
In her case, there was a frustrated part that wanted to run away and another part that stayed, accepted the frustration and kept working.
That is defusion in action.
3. Committed Action
Once she recognised the frustrated part, Stella accepted it instead of fighting it. She didn’t let that emotion dictate her behaviour.
She made a committed decision to continue the lesson without video, to stay with the exercise and to keep exploring. I told her:
“You accepted that this part of you was frustrated, and you committed to continuing the lesson. That is so well done. You created space for both things to exist, the frustration and the action.”
This is exactly what Acceptance and Commitment means: accepting inner experiences as they are and staying committed to your values and goals.
4. Task-Relevant Focus
I pointed out that she kept redirecting her attention back to the task-relevant elements by applying a basic mindfulness technique.
“Every time you got distracted, you noticed, ‘Oh, I’m having this thought,’ and then you went back to what mattered, focus on the vowel, continue the flow, keep the vocal connection.”
Remember, the moment that went wrong is behind you. When you notice your mind rewinding to “What did I do?”, say mentally “Now”.
That ability to reorient attention, even briefly, is what separates blocking from learning. It’s not about eliminating distraction, it’s about recognising it and returning to the task.
5. Values
A committed action is a concrete step that enables you to stay in touch with your values, even when it feels uncomfortable.
By continuing the lesson with audio only, Stella acted in alignment with her values of growth and professionalism. She kept working mindfully, when it would have been easy to give up. That is what creates real learning.
6. Willingness
We then talked about willingness, another key part of ACT. I told her:
“You need to be willing to deal with the slaps in the face that you’re going to encounter in this path of growth as an artist. You demonstrated beautiful willingness. You stayed in the discomfort instead of escaping it.”
Willingness means saying yes to the full experience, frustration included, because it’s part of learning and growth.
Stella understood that intellectually, but what mattered most was that she demonstrated it in real time.
The Outcome: Real Learning
At first, Stella didn’t feel she had done particularly well. She said:
“I wasn’t as effective as in other lessons when everything was going right. It didn’t feel like a great lesson.”
But after our conversation, and especially after she listened back to the recording, she realised something crucial.
She had handled the stressful situation beautifully.
She had achieved the technical result we were aiming for.
And she had demonstrated all the mental flexibility skills we had been developing.
The recording was the undeniable proof that her brain and voice now knew how to cope with stress. A week later she wrote to me:
“I really liked our conversation!
Despite you insisting we had an amazing result and encouraging me to focus on the positives, I still had some doubts, still blocked by the memory of the frustration and disappointment of what went wrong.So, imagine my very happy surprise when I listened back to the recording and saw for myself the very functional work we were able to do and the great result, despite all distractions 😀😀😀
I really should always trust your advice and instincts, especially in a situation where you are able to be much more objective than me.
It really was a great learning experience, which I carried forward to the rehearsal later that week, where I learnt a whole lot more in challenging situations 😉😅”
That email is pure gold, a singer acknowledging the fear, the block and the memory of “it went wrong,” yet discovering that the result was in fact solid and that real learning had happened.
The Next Step: Creating Space for Wins
Recognise that the memory of what you felt, frustration, isn’t the same as the fact of what happened. Make the distinction.
When we later discussed how to consolidate this learning, I encouraged her to create space for the wins, to consciously notice and celebrate what went well.
If you only remember the chaos, your brain stores frustration.
But if you also acknowledge the success that followed, your brain stores learning.
That’s how you stimulate progress, by reinforcing the neural pathways that connect effort to reward. As I told Stella at the end of the session:
“If you celebrate what went well, you create dopamine release in your brain. Dopamine is essential for learning. If you don’t celebrate the wins, you sabotage your opportunity for growth.”
Her next step is precisely that, to keep building on this experience by acknowledging her progress, not just her mistakes.
Recognise that you stuck with it, you adapted, you kept singing. That’s as important as a perfect performance. That glitch simulation practice is part of your journey. The more you rehearse recovery, the more automatic it becomes. Repetition of recovery builds neural pathways of resilience. When you rehearse not just the ideal run but what if something goes wrong, you build robustness.
What We Can All Learn from Stella
Stella’s story is a perfect example of how real learning happens. It’s rarely neat or flawless. Sometimes the camera fails, the Wi-Fi drops, or the brain blocks. But growth happens when you accept the discomfort, commit to your task and keep going anyway.
She turned a stressful situation into a demonstration of skill, presence and willingness, and her voice responded beautifully.
I suggest you practise these principles next time you’re faced with the inevitable challenges every singer, no matter your level, has to deal with during lessons, rehearsals and performances.
- A tech glitch, feedback problem or microphone failure
- A sudden rush of nerves
- A critical comment
- A blank mind mid-phrase
You might feel your stress level rising, your heartbeat quickening, your throat tightening, that “I want to hide under the piano” urge. You might know what to do, you’ve practised it, yet can’t execute it because simple fixes feel blocked. After it’s over, you replay it in your head: “I messed up that note,” “What did they think?” “I couldn’t recover,” “I should’ve done this differently.”.
Meanwhile, you probably did good work, but the memory of what went wrong takes over, dampening your confidence and your ability to integrate the good stuff.
Research on music performance anxiety (MPA) is clear. What you think, feel and do interacts with your performance and can even block it, unless you have coping strategies. Understanding this gives you a vantage point.
You’re not alone, it’s not just you, and you can develop tools.
In all of my teaching, the technical and the psychological go hand in hand. What we practise in lessons is not just vocal fold closure or vowel alignment. It’s also the ability to stay functional when things fall apart.
In one-to-one online voice lessons, we’re building your mindset, your ability to adapt, your freedom to explore and recover.
- We can pause when disruption happens and turn it into a learning moment, as we did with Stella.
- You get personalised feedback and an outside perspective, which Stella mentioned she trusts.
- You practise recovery of glitches in a safe space, so when it happens in rehearsal or performance, you’ve already done it.
- I help you build the habit of reviewing the lesson recording and focusing on what you did well rather than what went wrong.
Book your Free Discovery Call – no obligation – to see how we can work together and whether you’d like to build this resilience alongside your vocal technique.
Because, as Stella’s lesson showed so clearly, sometimes the best lessons happen exactly when everything seems to go wrong.
Ariane De Dom, Avocational singer
She couples this with her techniques that allow one to manage things like performance anxiety with much greater ease. It’s a win- win as I have in the past 6 months started to perform at jam sessions and more. I love it!
Kim, Avocational Singer
Dr. Tracy Smith Bessette - Singer, Voice Instructor, Early Music Coach & Course Lecturer
Diane Speirs - Singer & Voice Teacher
Haike D'haese - Singer & Actress
I leave our lessons feeling inspired and with new tools to use with my voice students. I particularly love that I now have language to identify and describe with more specificity the different kinds of sounds that live in pop/rock styles. Working with Sarah has made me a better teacher for my students!
M.J. Johnson, Singing Teacher and Vocal Coach
Stella Handley, Avocational singer
Susanne Vahle - Vocational singer
What I also appreciate very much is her respect for every one of her clients / students.
Singer
Kim, Avocational Singer
Nele - Singer & Youth Library Worker
Esther De Bièvre - Recovery therapist
Jess Blatchley, Singing Teacher and Jazz Singer
Manon Campens - Singer
Kenneth Ottoy, Singer of Plagiaat & Piron
Kelly Van Hove - Entertrainer focused on Soft HR & communication workshops / Vocational Musical Theatre Singer
Maud Retter - Speech therapist
I highly recommend Sarah if you are looking for a voice specialist!
Gwendy - Vocational singer
Bec Tilley, Voice Coach & Singer
Janet Wilson - Vocational singer
Stella Handley, Avocational singer
Amy Bebbington - Director of Training bij Association of British Choral Directors
Bec Tilley, Voice Coach & Singer
Nele Willekens - Library youth worker
Susanne Vahle - Vocational singer
Singer & Voice Teacher
Breg Horemans - Vocational singer
You learn to look for a solution and deal with your struggles yourself. It's not pre-made shit, it's to the point.
Esther De Bièvre - Recovery therapist
Pieter Van Hecke, Vocational singer
Jess Blatchley, Singing Teacher and Jazz Singer
RESOURCES
- ACT for Musicians – book by clinical psychologist & performance coach, Dr. David Juncos, PsyD
- Recent developments in coping strategies focusing on music performance anxiety: a systematic review –
- A review of music performance anxiety in the lens of stress models – et al. (2025)
- Memory for rewards guides retrieval – Juliane Nagel et al. (2024)
As always, feel free to send me your thoughts, questions, and feedback in the comments below this blog, via the contact form or in the singsing! online community 
Cordially,
Sarah